The Full Monty

A History of the Cranmog Cabaret

1983	It all began at the 1983 Cranmog Birthday Party, held in those days at the Bridge Hotel, Huntingdon. D----- has always been a bad influence on me (!), and it was during one drunken evening together, that we came up with a way of spicing up the upcoming bash. We decided that we, along with our other halves, Paul and Mike G, would perform a striptease halfway through the evening, to pep up the proceedings. No sooner said than sorted! D----- and I wore (as you can see from the photos) white and black basques and stockings under our party clothes, and the guys were supposed to wear their longjohns and t-shirts under their DJs. I say 'supposed to', because Mr. Robbo chickened out! But Mike, bless him, sweltered half the night, until D----- and I had removed our kit, and then helped him out of his. The place was in uproar! The police arrived - not, I think in connection with our goings-on - and they didn't seem to mind one of the girls running around with one of their helmets on various parts of her anatomy. Nor did they bat an eyelid when a certainclub member decided to join us, performing an impromptu strip herself! After a few conga-ed circuits of the hotel, the party continued, and things have never been quite the same since.....! As I say, I blame D-----........!
1984	The following year had the boys clamouring for more of the same, and lots more of the girls wanting to join in the fun. To Earth, Wind and Fire's "Fantasy" we emerged, during the course of the 1984 party, in a variety of naughty guises - all based around basques and stockings, which were to become de rigeur for Cranmog "Virgins" (thanks Phillip Bell!) during the next 10 years. Costumes included naughty angel, schoolgirl, schoolteacher, devil and my Marlene Dietrich ("Blue Angel").
1986	In 1985 we all took a breather, but in 1986, with our first choreographed dance, the Cranmog Cabaret as we know it, was born. The party had an organised theme that year - French - so what else could we do, but the Can-Can! Tricia Ranson, a former ballet dancer, volunteered to work out the routine, and between us all, we organised costumes. Back then, we had a maximum of only 2 rehearsals (often, only one, on the afternoon of the actual party!), and I remember the top floor of a 300 year old, 3-storey cottage that Mike Goodman and I lived in, bouncing alarmingly as 7 high-kicking ladies practised their routine!	The evening was a great success (despite a pair of renegade blue knickers amongst the black, something never forgotten by our own Stage-Door Johnny!), with the Cranmog Crackers , as we were to become known, flipping our frilly skirts over our heads at the dance's crescendo, to reveal "CRANMOG" appliquéd to our nix! Tricia worked her magic for the next 3 years, until she moved to Grand Cayman. Pictures wanted
1987	1987 saw us shaking our pom-poms to Toni Basil's "Hey Mickey". (Still somehow keeping those stockings up, though not necessarily keeping the boobs in! Someone popped out each year, the only question was, whose turn would it be....?!)
1988	We called "Prohibition" in 1988 and performed a Black Bottom / Charleston in little shiny flapper dresses. (Yep, still with the ubiquitous basques and stockings!)
1989	In 1989, being pregnant, I was out of action, and missed both the dance and the party, but provided the music for the girls' Spanish flamenco.	Pictures wanted
1990	Karen Redfern organised the 1990 "St. Trinians"- themed hockey sticks dance, complete, of course, with gymslips (and basques and stockings!)	Pictures wanted
1991	In 1991, the Cranmog Knackers were established as the guys decided to get in on the act, and performed "There is nothing like a dame" from 'South Pacific', in tribute to Carolyn Donovan, whose hospitality had been enjoyed by many Cranmoggers - native and foreign - over the years. You looked great in your US naval whites boys!
1992	1992 brought "TheTime Warp", from 'The Rocky Horror Show'. Great fun, but with at least 8 of us girls contributing to its choreography simultaneously, on the very afternoon of the party, organisation was pretty chaotic! So it was decided that in future it would fall to one person to work out a dance routine and then teach it to the others. And that's how I got the job! Like Trish, I had been a dancer. And that's where the similarity in our careers ends! Where she wore tulle and tights, I wore not a lot! Well, a white fringed bikini and lots of body glitter, actually! She pas-de-deux-ed; I shook my booty on a mirrored podium!
1993	In 1993 we moved venue to The George, Huntingdon, and in collaboration with Karen Redfern, Madonna's "Hanky Panky" was our chosen music. Although not featured in the film 'Dick Tracy', which she made with Warren Beatty, the 1920s theme is evident, and this influenced the feel of the dance. Hanky Spanky was more like it! (Ask someone who was there....!)
1994	Karen again came up with the idea for the 1994 music - Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman". I made this into a celebration of all our dances so far, with each of us taking on a persona from a previous routine. So, I was a Can-Can dancer, Judy was a Cheerleader, Karen did the Hanky Panky and Morag Time Warped etc. Eight of us paraded on, carrying a placard showing the year we represented, which, when turned over, read "CRANMOG!"
1995	1995 was one of my favourites; to my mind, a piece of music which cried out to be choreographed: Jonathan Richman's "Egyptian Reggae". Basically, it was a bellydance, but made into a tribute to lovely John Crome. Our basques and stockings were gone (at last!), replaced by gorgeous pale blue, white and silver belly-dancing costumes, the colours of John's Morgan. Laurie fashioned a Pharaoh's head-dress for John, who took the seat of honour as we danced for him, finally prostrating ourselves at his feet!
1996	1996's "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox, was inspired by her wonderful music video, which in turn, took its theme from the film "Dangerous Liaisons". We performed a courtly dance in mocked-up 18th century French hip-pads, jewel-coloured velvet skirts, bows, lace, bloomers, camisoles, beauty spots, pearls, powdered wigs and hoisted bosoms! Our feathered fans doubled as rapiers as we fought a mock duel. It was a very pretty spectacle.
1997	The guys took to the floor again in 1997. They'd opted for a Village People medley of "YMCA", "Go West", and "In the Navy". I was glad of a year off as Mike Bedford-Stradling and David Redfern were supposed to be responsible for the routine. However, on the morning of their first scheduled rehearsal, I received a panicky phone-call from Mike: Could I come and help? Somehow nothing much had been done after all! I roughly drew up a routine in my head and on paper, whilst listening to the taped music over and over, as Mike drove us over to Huntingdon. Well the guys are fast (and, for the most part, willing!) learners, and their 'gay' routine was hilarious. Well done Traffic Cop, Construction Worker, Indian, Biker, etc!
1998	The first Crackers / Knackers collaboration was in 1998. "Grease" was "the word" and the inspiration, with the guys as Fonzie look-alikes in leather jackets, baseball boots, slicked hair, sideburns and shades, and the girls in either 'Pink Lady' leggings and pumps, or voluminous skirts and cardies. We ran into problems with numbers; one too many girls and one guy short. So I changed sex for this one. (I guess that makes me a Cracker AND a Knacker! Or maybe just a Knackered Cracker?) I got ambitious ! The plan was to perform not one dance, but two! "You're the one that I want" was to be the main dance (i.e. performed once, and then again at encore) and "Greased Lightning" the second dance, which we would go into as we left the floor after the encore. (Ha! Just when you think it's all over and you can get back to the bar...!) It was asking a lot of everyone. They had to learn two dances in a short space of time (and remember them!) and I had to mentally place myself in both male and female positions as I sorted it all out in my head! (Brain the size of a planet and born a blonde!) Anyhow, they did it, and did it brilliantly! Mike B-S 'borrowed' a shopping trolley and disappeared into his garage, to emerge with a mocked-up 1950s 'Greased Lightning'. OK, it was still a shopping trolley with Morgan parts and cardboard cutouts attached, but it held me (more or less securely!) as I was wheeled on at the finale, a la John Travolta! Look, this is Cranmog, not a Rice / Lloyd-Webber production....!
1999	In 1999, we girls got downright catty. "Stray Cat Strut" by the Stray Cats was our anthem, as we purred and prowled among the dustbins, in tails, ears and whiskers. This year marked another change of venue, to the Dolphin at St. Ives, Cambs, where we have resided since.
2000	I had a dissertation to write in 2000, so tried to bow out. However, howls of protest at the Cranmog Reydon weekend resulted in a compromise: we would reprise the "Walking on Broken Glass" routine, but this time with the addition of the Knackers. This would save having to write a whole new routine; I'd just have to 'tweak' it a little to accommodate the guys. We girls still had our original outfits, but the guys had to put theirs together; tights, brocade waistcoats and wigs. The result was hilarious. Imagine Tom Hulce in "Amadeus" crossed with Father Jack from "Father Ted"! I have very few photos; the camera shake was so bad, due to my laughing so hard.....
2001	The Knackers came out of the closet again (is there something they're not telling us girls?) in 2001, as they pushed broom to Queen's "I want to break free" - all of them a cross between Freddy Mercury and Hilda Ogden, in slippers, pinnies, Nora Batty stockings and curlers! Well done Mike B-S for the routine and Linda Thorpe for the idea.
2002	By 2002 the Crackers were rather depleted, from our usual 7 or 8, down to only 5 dancers. Dear Morag had sadly died, Judy and Cheryl had decided to hang up their dancing shoes, and Linda was recovering from an operation. But the music made up for lack of numbers: Kirsty McCall's "In these shoes?", a wonderfully witty piece with a sexy Latino rhythm. We each supplied a chair suitable for straddling, yet light enough to be carried in one hand (I experimented with dragging it, which was effective, but proved noisy and may have damaged the hotel's dance floor!), and used it to dance with and show off our outrageously high-heeled shoes. A humorous touch was added at the final encore, when we quickly changed our feminine footwear for wellies, slippers, walking boots, etc.
2003	The 1960s Austin Powers spoof spy films provided the inspiration for the 2003 dance routine, which was also our third Crackers / Knackers collaboration. The Crackers were 1960s monochromatic dolly birds to the Knackers' multi-coloured psychedelic Austin Powers look-alikes - complete with velvet suits, Chelsea boots, frilly shirts, specs, wigs and hideous teeth! (Cum)Brian Thorpe created a monster of a colourful 1960s backdrop for us, to hide the less-than-lovely wall and screen, and Paul Bloomfield and Mike Bedford-Stradling rigged up a light system, all of which gave a little more polish to the final product, we hope! This was also the year that James Bond turned 50, so our dance began with Bond (Mike Goodman) striding manfully on to the stage, to the well-known James Bond theme, chased by a moving spotlight, before drawing his lethal weapon (his Walther PPK!) on the audience! It ended almost where it began, with 'Bond' at the centre of a tableau of would-be Bond lovelies!
So that brings us up to date. Themes and ideas for dances are usually kicked around between us at the October Reydon weekend, although I do have the final say, as it's me who has to choreograph the darn thing! Dancers' availability and willingness to take part for another year is also ascertained. With Judy Bell's invaluable help, dance rehearsal dates are set up with the hotel. (With us all so scattered, the actual venue is the best meeting place. It also helps to know that what we are proposing to do actually fits the floor space available!) We normally have a maximum of 3 rehearsals, lasting up to 3 hours each, the final dress rehearsal (to ensure that heels don't slip, zips can take the strain, and that wigs won't fall off!) taking place on the afternoon of the actual party in January. So spare a thought for us as you stay in the pub an extra hour, go shopping, or just have a quiet afternoon snooze! I make tapes of the music, copies of the lyrics and diagrams / details of costumes, to give dancers as much time (and as few excuses!) as possible to practice at home, to get to know the music, cues etc., and to collect/ make/ borrow all they need for their outfits. Things that cannot be made, such as the powdered wigs for the 18th. century dance, are hired, and the cost taken from Cranmog funds. This, however, is a rarity, and I think it is important that it be acknowledged that the dancers themselves fund the cost of the cabaret, from tapes and postage, to materials, make-up and accessories. Not least is the time they are all willing to dedicate to providing what we all hope each year will be a fun-filled show! Special thanks to all the Crackers and Knackers, past and present for all your hard, hard work, and for making me laugh until I cried, and cry until I laughed! Thanks to Judy for liaising with the hotels (which for some reason, every few years, we have to leave....!) and making what we do (almost) pass as normal with the staff.....to Laurie and Phillip, both of whom have been our Master of Ceremonies......to Brian Thorpe, and again , Laurie, our Craftsmen..........to Paul Bloomfield, our fantastic Stage Manager, for his support, providing us with drinks, zipping zippers (up and down!) etc. and, along with Peter Johnson in our early days, for the "official" changing room photos!......to Linda Thorpe and Mike Bedford-Stradling for keeping the Knacker side up!......and to Mike "Pussy Galore" Goodman for stepping into the breach!......finally, thanks to Karen Redfern for giving me her unstinting support when there was not a drink to be had, and I most needed one! Break a leg! Jane Goodman
	Jane has provided the above pictures of the Cranmog Crackers and Knackers from her collection over the years, but if you have any out there please let me borrow a copy, particularly of the 1986 (Can-Can), 1987 (Cheer Leaders), 1989 (Flamenco) or 1990 (St. Trinian's). I now need to carry on the record of CranMog Crackers and Knackers each year and as I'm often performing in the Knackers, I don't get much chance to take picture, so, if you have any please sent them to me, I promise to return all picture intact so do have a rummage through your drawers. Contact as usual webmaster@cranmog.com
2004	Hey Mickey by Toni Basil was chosen for the Knackers to perform to, the Crackers had a night off. What a choice, we all got to wear Ra Ra skirts and wave Pom Poms, but there was only 6 of us who were brave enough to show our legs!. Ideally, we would have liked seven guys, because in the finale we all had a letter of the alphabet on our shorts so when we bent over and flipped up the skirts, there was CranMog spelt out. Now, for some reason, I had two letters, M and O - David said it was because there was more room on my shorts, can't think what he means. Its a strange thing, but when us big hairy blokes dress up like the ugly sisters, someone always tries to take advantage of us, but I caught Terry on camera molesting Simon's socks. Let me explain, Simon stuffed his sock down the bra he'd borrowed (well I hope it was borrowed) to make the shape about right. Cor what a smelly surprise was in store for Terry!
2005	This year, by popular demand, the Crackers made a return to the way it used to be with Lady Marmalade. Hot Gossip eat your heart out, our girls were fantastic. This is how the Crackers should be, pretty girls, sexy attire and saucy dancing. Did I say saucy, it downright seductive and salacious. The girls had garments to toss to the floor and money to offer us poor unsuspecting guys in the audience. Now the cabaret is always a close thing, and even with only 5 Crackers willing to strut their stuff, I was close enough to see my dear wife had sparkly boobs, now after nearly 10 years of marriage you'd have thought I'd have noticed that before. The dance looked very complicated and the Crackers performed very professionally, enjoying two encores, which makes all the effort worth while.
2006	Jane and Mike B-S chose Tom Jones' Delilah for the cabaret dance music, my favourite piece! now its all over how can I get that damned tune out of my head? Actually it was an easy choice for us Knackers as we didn't have to dress up - there were of course some complaints of "we wanted to wear frocks again" but you can't have everything. We had seven couples dancing so there was not much room on the floor. This year, for the first time we had Caitlin and John representing the next generation of Crackers and Knackers. John's dad Mike (Gooders) didn't know his son was in the cabaret and we helped keep it secret, what a nice surprise!
2007	I shall never forget 2007, that was the year we did Block Buster by Sweet, then did it again for an encore by Elvis. Elvis?, I didn't know he recorded a Sweet song, well actrually he recored thousands of songs by other artists. Anyway, the outfits were the best part, tight trousers, pretty colours and spangly materials and Platform Shoes!. I hired mine and so did a couple of other guys, but Simon made his by gaffer taping expanded polystyrene soles on a pair of old shoes and they nearly lasted the whole performance. Fearless leader M B-S bought a posh pair off Ebay and John seemed to have some in the wardrobe, well he was the younger one amoungst us. Can any of you remember just how uncomfortable platforms were? and if you move around a bit, like dancing, doh, you can fall off the platforms and break an ankle as easy as pie. For the Elvis version, we all changed into Elvis wigs and dark glasses and did it all over again. What a hoot.